A Biblical View of Narcissistic Abuse and Typical Traits of Potential Victims

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A Biblical View of Narcissistic Abuse and Typical Traits of Potential Victims

This article is written for the benefit of sensitive empathetic people who may find themselves a potential target for “Narcissists”. A Narcissist is a person who demonstrates many characteristics of a mental condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP). There is a spectrum for this condition. At the bottom end are people who just show a few aspects of Narcissism and on the high end are those who possess fully blown symptoms of NDP. A Narcissist as the word implies tends to use people situations and things to meet their own needs.

1. Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:- For a summary of symptoms see the following link:-
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

2.People Narcissists Choose as Victims
Narcissists tend to seek out sensitive empathetic people because they can be easier to manipulate and control. This gives the Narcissist a sense of power and self-esteem. It also gives the Narcissist the energy or “Narcissistic Supply” to enable them to function and display a false sense of self to achieve acceptance in society. The people they look for as potential victims usually have the following characteristics:-

a) Amazing People Who Don’t Know It: Narcissists tend to target people who are responsible, successful, driven in their life, career or in what is important to them: people who are “go getters”, good people who have a lot to offer. However these people often do not realise how amazing they are. Instead they are more focused on their weaknesses and what they don’t do. The Narcissist then uses this lack of awareness against them. The Narcissist also likes to choose these people because they may feel jealous of them and hence feel the need to cut them down.

b) Unresolved Issues From Childhood: The Narcissist can see the missing pieces in your life (if you become their target). Hence they act like a trustworthy friend at first, so you can tell them all your problems. Once they find out your wound, they act as if they are the missing piece of the puzzle in your life. They give the impression they can give you what you missed out on in your childhood. This is how they keep you reeled in. If a person is whole and strong this is too much work for the Narcissist.

c) People Pleasers: if you tend to do things for other people at the expense of your own needs continually, the Narcissist will notice this.

d) Your Reaction to “Gas Lighting”: “Gas Lighting” is when Narcissists purposely lie to you or deny things they have done, to make you doubt your own reality and hence sanity. For example, a woman noticed that her man ignores her in public. She then confronts him about it but he out rightly denies it. He then continues to ignore her in public. This can make the woman doubt her own perceptions and question her own sanity. She may start to blame herself. If the Narcissist sees that you lose trust in your own instincts, then they see you as a perfect victim.

e) So far Idealising You: if they see you as this amazing person. They mirror what you want to hear so you think you have found your soulmate in this Narcissist.

i) Short Term Supply: if this “soul mate” behaviour changes very soon and the Narcissist starts putting you down, you would be seen by them as only “short term supply”.

ii) Long Term Supply: If the Narcissist starts to devalue you in a very slow and gradual way, you would be considered as “long term supply”. It is like you are on a hamster wheel. You want to get back to the stage when they used to idealise you. Hence you start doing everything you can to please them.

3. How To Overcome These “Victim” Traits
If you find some of the above traits resonate with you, here are some ways you can overcome them to achieve safety:-

a) Amazing Person: still be an amazing person but start to see your own worth and value internally not just when someone from the outside tells you. Victims can often be thirsty for external validation. Write down a list of all your good qualities and things you’ve overcome. Start realising how wonderful you are. Psalm 139:14

b) Childhood Issues: it is beneficial to be willing to go through the pain to work on and resolve any childhood hurts or issues in your life. This will help to strengthen your core person. Otherwise you may continue to encounter problems especially with Narcissists. The good news is once you grieve and work through these issues you are less likely to become victim to Narcissists.

c) People Pleasing: Work on feeling good about yourself without someone else’s approval. Learn to set boundaries and say “No” when needed. You may need a good therapist for support as you go through this process.

d) Gas Lighting: Victims often have received “gas lighting” as a child which caused them to doubt themselves. Learn to start trusting your own intuition or gut instinct. If you are a more sensitive and empathetic person you will probably have a more in tune “sixth sense” to identify when something does not “feel right” about a person. Then it will be less likely that the Narcissist can weasel their way to deceive you. If you are a Christian believer ask the Holy Spirit to help you discern if a person is a Narcissist or not.

e) Trying to Make The Other Person Happy: this will result in an unequal relationship where you are giving more than the other person. In a healthy relationship each person should be giving 100% on an equal footing. Make a list of what you expect to receive in a relationship as well as give. This will stand you in good stead before making new friendships.

Source: 5 Ways Narcissists Test Victims as Long Term Supply– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWGUfxfgFbI

4. How Narcissists Are Created
There are different views on this topic. They are:-

a) Secular View: Narcissism is caused by the fact that a child is not shown unconditional love by their parent(s) from a very young age eg. 0-3 years old. Instead the parent will give signals as to what behaviour they approve or disapprove of. For instance, if the child is sensitive and starts to cry the parent may rebuke the child instead of providing comfort. The child then learns to shut off their emotions. If the child starts to verbalise sad emotions the parent may say disapprovingly “ you shouldn’t feel like that”. The child then begins to block off all their emotions thinking that it is bad to feel them. The parent may also praise the child, if they excel at a particular skill which makes the parent look good to others eg. Playing a musical instrument. As a result the child will tend to shut down the parts of themselves that the parent disapproves of and only function in the ways that the parent does approve. As a result the child does not become their authentic self but instead creates a “false self” in order to obtain acceptance and survive in their environment. There can be some truth to this theory.

b) Christian View: This is taken from a book called “The First Will Be Last – A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism by D C Robertsson ”. It states that the cause of Narcissism is also due to a person’s heart response to the circumstances in their lives. This could explain why some children of Narcissistic parents become Narcissists while others from the same family background do not. There can be two ways a person can respond to Narcissistic Abuse. They can choose the “Good” or (God’s way) to work on themselves to heal the pain in their lives and become a strong authentic self. Or they can choose “Evil” ie. to put on a “false self” using lies, deception and manipulation to survive. A person usually chooses early in life (consciously or subconsciously) which path to take.

5. Suppressing the Truth About God
The author states that everyone has some knowledge of God since God is evident in the creation around them and the eternal powers behind it. Hence when individuals choose to do evil they are essentially turning their backs on God and his nature of love, mercy, justice, power, knowledge and wisdom. They are in fact suppressing the truth about God so they can live a life of evil. (See Romans 1: 19-20). This is also described in the following bible passage:-

Romans 1: 25-32
“For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator…. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind to do those things which are not proper…. full of envy,… strife, deceit, malice, they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful… unloving, unmerciful..”

This passage is used to describe how the Narcissist chooses to live a lie by living out of a false façade they have created for themselves which is fake instead of living as their true selves. In order to keep this façade going, they need to lie deceive and manipulate others to keep up their pretence. This is the opposite to living as God wants them to – in Truth – being genuine and authentic , because God himself is Truth personified and has not ounce of sin or deceit in Him.

Suppressing the truth about God is also described as a process in which the Narcissist gradually “hardens their heart” toward God.

6. Situations Leading to Hardening of Heart to God: Here are some examples but are not exhaustive. Each case is a progressive hardening of the heart.

a) Entrenched Defense to Fear and Shame: The scenario is that someone in power and authority (like a Narcissistic parent) bullies and seeks to dominate a child – either overtly or covertly. This can include constant criticism, leading a child to fear that he or she is “good for nothing” which is a lie. How can the child respond?

• Accept the lie – some children would not because it would be too painful

• Use God’s truth against the lie – but many may not be taught God’s truth yet *

• Defend himself against the fear and lie – the child would do this through self- exultation & pretending to be better than he truly believes himself to be. A repeated cycle of this would eventually cause him to fully believe the story he tells himself resulting in Narcissism.

* As society is pushing more and more to phase out Scripture teaching in schools, especially from kindergarten age, it may be leading to a greater rise in Narcissism today.

b) Impact of Generational Sin: can also be a reason to explain how Narcissistic Parents can end up producing Narcissistic children, as described in Part a) above. Also families can produce their own DNA or family culture. Exodus 34: 6-7. This could include a scoffing or prideful approach to everyone else “out there”. Children can subconsciously follow this, even though they are taught to be kind and caring. This cannot be seen as an excuse however. When a child becomes an adult they can still choose to learn the truth of God and turn their lives around. This is why not all children of Narcissistic parents end up being Narcissists. Leviticus 26: 40-42

c) Self Exaltation from Prosperity & Praise: This can be a third cause of Narcissism. In Deuteronomy 8: 11-15 God warns his people to beware of enjoying the “good life” so much that their hearts become proud leading them to forget about Him altogether. Wealth riches and a high position can lead to an over-optimistic sense of :-

• Our Superiority
• Our self- sufficiency
• Our ability to control things
• Our ability to manipulate things to get what we want

d) The Result of the Progression of Fools: this is described in stages:-

i) Naïve Fool: [Hebrew: pthiy] this is how the person starts out. They are open to truth but also to sin without committing to one way or the other. They can be easily influenced by those around them and do not think through the consequences of possible actions. Their pride lies in the fact they do not fully submit to God’s standards and hence reserve the right to do wrong. Proverbs 14:18

ii) Perverse Fool: [Hebrew: ewil] The Naïve Fool makes a choice to do wrong in a dimension of his life and persists in this (without repenting). This shows his underlying rebellion against God taking the proud decision that he knows better and ignores the consequences. Psalm 107:17

iii) Scoffing Fool : [Hebrew: luts] The Scoffing Fool refuses to be told he is wrong but persists in his waywardness. He begins then the “cover-up”- living according to his own desires but trying to “make it look good”- the essence of hypocrisy. He begins to even set himself up as the standard of what’s right and wrong. He also actively fights against anyone who tries to correct him. He has not totally rejected truth but seeks “truth” on his own terms. Proverbs 9:8

iv) Stubborn Fool : [Hebrew: kecil]: He actively and arrogantly rejects the knowledge of the truth including the reproofs of discipline, persisting in the error of his ways. Contentment with his pleasures also makes it harder for him to repent. He begins to hate knowledge – further hardening his heart- to become increasingly dull to the truth. Proverbs 1:22

v) Committed Fool : [Hebrew: nabal] The committed fool now totally denies God. The Hebrew word means stupid wicked and vile. He acts immorally and disgracefully with no inkling of ethics or morals. He can even teach about God but denies him in his thinking. Psalm 14:1.

At each stage, a person can repent and turn back to God. However the longer the person delays the more his heart will be hardened. The more likely that person may progress to the next stage as well. This is why it is important to keep a short account with God and not to harden our hearts. This is why going to Confession is such a blessing.

The above stages also explain how some people may show only aspects of Narcissism while others have full-blown Narcissism traits with no discernible conscience.

7. Can a Narcissist Be a Christian (and vice versa)? This depends on what the bible says a true Christian is. The following verses reveal how a true believer must show “fruit” in his life.

Mathew 7:21 -“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

James 2:14-20 – “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.” Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. ¹⁹You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?

If a person does not show any “fruit” in their lives in terms of righteous character and deeds than it might be assumed they do not know Jesus. Of course only God knows. If there is evidence of fruit but still elements of pride then perhaps they are believers but have not yet taken full advantage of the radical life transformation that God is calling them to. It is also well to note that if any “good works” done by a person are motivated by pride and self-exultation, rather than genuine care for others, then these would not be pleasing to God and may not be considered “good” at all.

Summary diagram

8. Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A key here is that “Knowledge is Power”. Research and read up about how a Narcissist operates. You Tube can be a helpful resource. When you gain more and more knowledge it will “expose” their lies and deception and they will then have less power over you. (It is always good to be wary though). As you grieve over Narcissistic Abuse and how it has affected your life, your inner fears will start to dissipate gradually. It is also helpful to have as little contact as possible with the Narcissist while you are going through healing. Finding a good therapist who is knowledgeable about NDP is also recommended. As you become healed other friends and family, will start to see the truth about the Narcissist and hence you won’t need to defend yourself about the Narcissist anymore.

9. “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing”: Narcissists are sometimes described as a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”. This refers more to the “Covert” Narcissist. These Narcissists can initially come across as charming, attractive, intelligent angelic people- almost like a “saviour”. Later on they begin to destroy their victims in a very subtle and secret way, always hiding their tracks. For instance if their victim opens up about their own insecurities, the Narcissist may then say “ Your friend Cynthia is a very capable and confident person isn’t she ?” . In a subtle way this implies that you are weak compared to her. However on the surface it may just appear to be a real life comment with no ill intentions. Any ill intentions can be denied by the Narcissist. More about Covert Narcissism here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5Reykp6-1c

10. Isolation : It can be very isolating dealing with a Narcissistic Parent(s). This is so, because it is not socially acceptable in society to speak negatively about one’s parents. It can be seen as sacrilege. If you mention that you don’t see or talk to your (Narcissistic) parents very much, people may often assume that you are being sinful & disrespectful to them in some way. This is because Narcissistic Parental abuse is only known often to victims themselves, and not the public at large. Many may not even know this type of abuse exists in the world. There are also very few face to face support groups for victims. However there are some online support groups and communities eg. on You Tube, Facebook and Yahoo. Many of these groups have thousands upon thousands of followers all over the world. It shows that if you are, or have been a victim of Narcissistic Abuse you are not alone. There are really a LOT of people who have been through the same thing. This also confirms the fact that you are NOT imagining this abuse or going crazy.

11. Keep Your Life Private from the Narcissist: it is best not to divulge too much about your life to a Narcissistic Parent or Narcissist if possible. If so it could give them ammunition so they can create strategies to sabotage your life, plans and goals.

12. The Rosary: Some victims of Narcissists may be in very difficult situations where they may not be able to remove themselves from the Narcissist eg. in a family or work situation. Even if you are not religious try praying decades of the “Rosary”. For each decade (10 beads of the Rosary) offer up a special prayer to Our Holy Mother that through her intercession God will provide a way out of your difficult situation. Prayers offered up to Our Holy Mother Mary for her to intercede will never go unanswered.

13. Dating a Narcissist: It is also possible that one can become ensnared into dating a Narcissist. They may at first come across as charming attractive and intelligent. (Of course not all people possessing these traits are Narcissists). Here is a book that describes in detail how a Narcissistic dating relationship will usually pan out “Prepare to Be Tortured: – the Price You Will Pay for Dating a Narcissist” by A. B. Jamieson. If you have grown up with a Narcissistic Parent and haven’t dealt with your issues, there’s a big chance you may tend to attract Narcissistic people when dating. Unfortunately even people who grew up in healthy families can be deceived by a Narcissist’s charm. So it’s good to read up and become aware and knowledgeable.

14. Useful Links About Narcissism:

• When The Narcissist Minimizes You. Another Method Of Mind Control: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP3sUfLcNzQ
This is where the Narcissist continually disagrees with and belittles everything you say. They do this in order to maximise themselves.

• The Narcissist Controls Your Mind – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AQ58lzIFTE

• 5 ways narcissistic mothers sabotage their daughters : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1eVf9NQTDU

• The Narcissist Will Sabotage Your Life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPRjmmX9Vwg
These 2 videos show how Narcissistic Mothers are often jealous of a daughter and the attention that she may obtain from the father. Hence the mother will often give material gifts in order to manipulate and control the daughter and ultimately sabotage her life so that she will fail at everything. The mother may do this by helping the daughter with strategies which she knows will secretly fail. In this way the mother appears to others to be helpful but would in actual fact be causing the daughter’s downfall.

• The Scapegoat Child (Part 1) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YQiI-RevQs

• The Scapegoat, Golden Child & Narcissistic Parent – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9fHd76sTO0

These videos show how the Narcissistic parent usually chooses one child who is empathetic and weaker in the family to victimize and control to give the Narcissistic mother a sense of self- esteem and power.

• The Narcissist Has The Nice-Nasty Thing Going On: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1-O8NbncGY
This video shows how Narcissists adopt a Nice Nasty Nice Nasty ploy which can really confuse a child making the child think she is going crazy. Eg. a Narcissistic Parent would appear loving at times. But when the child tries to set boundaries and say No, the mother would issue a tirade of anger.

• Narcissists Must Triangulate–Here is Why–Save Your Sanity : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apn0hKGLsfw
This video shows how the Narcissistic Parent creates sibling rivalry and competition to create hostility in order to hide the fact that she is the one instigating all the chaos. Instead her aim is to appear angelic and perfect to the outside world.

• The Narcissist uses fear as the ultimate method of control: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKI9jg4rWMM

• Infantilization-An abusive tactic of narcissistic parents: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF81DMh1QvE
Infantilization is when the Narcissist treats their adult child still like an infant. The Narcissistic sees their child as an extension of herself hence undermining the child’s own independence. Her excessive criticism erodes the child’s self – esteem and hence gives them a false identity. The Narcissist tells the child they are something which they are not.

• Narcissistic Victim Syndrome 20 Signs You Have This – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6hgHQgJdYA

• How to cope with PTSD/Releasing toxic energy after Narcissistic abuse –https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfSQ0Fzm6LY
This video explains how Narcissistic Abuse can cause PTSD for the victim including Adrenalin Fatigue

• Narcissistic Parents Use Character Assassination as a Toxic Tactic pt. 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTcCIyfT99E
This video shows how the Narcissistic Parent aims to ultimately get the Scapegoat child to destroy themselves.

• Guide To Identifying Covert Narcissism – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5Reykp6-1c

• The Paralyzed Adult Child of Narcissistic Abuse –https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9dPpiMwYwY
This video explains how a Narcissistic parent can debilitate their child psychologically and emotionally to such an extent, that when the child becomes an adult, they are unable to work and hold down a full time job

• The Narcissists’ fake apology : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Gb6gu9jPrk
This video shows how the Narcissistic Parent may offer apologies which are really fake. She does this when she feels she is losing control of the child. Hence she pretends to apologize to try to “hoover” the daughter back in.

• The Aging Narcissist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjCed4BSF8Q
This video shows how a Narcissist very seldom repents of their behavior and often does not have the ability to look inward to admit their own faults. As a result they often get worse in their Narcissism as they age.

• Narcissists Try To ‘Possess’ You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bD62FxSThs

• Why the Narcissist Won’t Leave You Alone and What to Do About It : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjP_YGoJX4A
These 2 videos reinforce the fact the Narcissist wants to maintain control of a child so that she will never rise above and become more successful than the mother

• How Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Can Survive & Thrive:

***https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7wbjZeKihU
Explains how the best way to heal from Narcissistic Abuse is to go “no contact”.

• How to Recognize Your Narcissistic Mother :
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=How+to+recognise+your+narcissitc+mother&docid=608000598236138262&mid=78646662C3ACAE8CF68178646662C3ACAE8CF681&view=detail&FORM=VIREHT

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Causes and Symptoms (Good Written Summary)
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

• Book: The First Will Be Last – A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism by D C Robertsson

• Quora : Website with information about Narcissists:
https://www.quora.com/topic/Narcissistic-Relationships

• Be aware of spiritual and religious communities (narcissistic abuse): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ucwA-1utkA

This video shows how Narcissists can often pretend to be very spiritual people to cover up their secret schemes to sabotage other people’s lives